Plain and Simple

“Just because you love someone, doesn’t meen that they will love you back. ”

That saying is so simple, and yet it is the one thing that makes the most sence to me right now. 

I love her.  I always will, that is just the way I am.  I don’t love on a whim, and I never will.  The love I give someone will always be there, even after the romance is gone. 

But I do know that the relationship was unhealthy.  I know now that I should have left her the day she told me she was going to break up with me so that she wouldn’t hurt me anymore.  I should have left the day she wanted to see a hockey game more than me.  Or the day I realized she had come to see me three times, as opposed to my 30.  Or better yet, the night she told me that I didn’t have what it takes to quit smoking. (3 months with out a smoke by the way)

However, while I was in the relationship, I couldn’t see those things.  I didn’t really start to question our relationship until I realized that I was about to interview for a job to move closer to her, and yet I knew I wouldn’t take the job unless they gave me enough money to live on the opposite side of the river from her… didn’t make me feel good.

I put Col on a pedestol.  I believed she was someone whom indeed she is not.  I was just another girl.  She was my world.  That is quite a big difference. 

I do not hate her.  I never could.  I’m hurt by her lack of compassion right now, but I do not dislike her.  I’m still looking for her to be the woman that I fell in love with.  She stopped being that woman after week three of our relationship, so she will certainly not be that woman now.

I still believe she is a good person and all of that blah blah blah…. (read previose posts and you will know how highly I reguard my ex) But right now, I just need to gain strength to let go of my idealistic images of this woman. 

PS  Again, thank you to all of the wonderful people I have met in the past three weeks!  You are all amazing! 

I Have Good and Bad Days

Today is just one of those days where I am breathing…  Nothing more, nothing less.  I miss her today.  I put my denim jacket on this morning (due to the cold!) and I could feel the tears well up behind my eyes. 

Remember the day was were in the city and both packed the same warm clothes?  I fell even deeper still for you that day.

And the night you fell asleep in my arms on the train.  That, right then and there, was the moment I thought I realized I could hold you for the rest of my life, and I would have.

The guy sitting across from us;  looking at my hands brushing your hair: “That’s what it is about isn’t it?” 

He was right. 

I have days where I can only think of the bad things.  I have moments when I realize “she isn’t thinking about me, so why am I thinking about her?” 

But then I have days, and moment during that day, where it seems everything around me is telling me we belonged together…  Those are the days that hurt like hell. 

“If you just can’t get someone out of your head, maybe they are supposed to be there.”

Remember this… “You have moved into the back left corner of my brain…”  To bad you kicked me out.

Do I Deserve That?

Thank you for the surprise! People are brought into our lives at the exact right moment! Thank goodness I got my ass out of bed on Saturday!

I don’t think I ever realized how little credit I give myself until the past two weeks.  I always know I deserved to be treated well.  But few and far in-between were the people who would go out of there way for me.

Someone did that for me tonight and reminded me that I am not supposed to be the only one giving.  I am allowed to have good things in my life.  I felt truly cared for tonight.  And although friends can’t take all the pain away right now, they are trying their damnedest to distract me.  I was beginning to think I didn’t deserve to be treated like that.

Thank you for that! Perhaps real friends are out there.

Let it go!

Can We Say Weak?

Tried not to send it… I’m sorry.

I tried not to send it to her…  But the curls were just another thing in my life that came as a result of her….

Well, I went almost a week without speaking to Col on the phone.  We were texting every other day, but we were not speaking.  Finally on Wednesday night I broke down and called.  I just wanted to hear her. 

I got off the phone that night knowing that she did indeed think about me.  She does miss me too.  I believe that may really be what I needed to know.  I also was reminded of why we are not together a few times during that phone call.  So I needed that too.

It’s just hard to remember the pain when all I can think about are the good things that I miss.  So it was real good to hear her say some of the same things in the same way she always has that night.

I don’t know if I will ever completely be able to give up on her.  I think a part of me will always hope she realizes that she chould have had some really good things in her life if only she would give freely.

Still, I just can’t stop thinking about how much she meant to me.  She has had such a huge impact on my life.  Everyone says it will take so long to get over her.  I agree.   I look at other women and I just to see what I saw in her.  Still can’t believe I could have been so wrong about what I felt. 

Do you think she sees what our relationship meant to me?  Can she see that way she changed my life?  So many huge changes… scares me a bit.  Now I feel like I don’t have that best friend in my life.  And I know, even though I wish I was, I am just not strong enough to be chums yet.  I’m still caught up in her.  I think until I can honestly say that my heart doesn’t jump when the phone rings… I won’t be 100% able to be the right kind of friend.

I would like to be able to heal with each other.  And maybe it is possible since we live so far…  who knows…  “if I had all the answers, I would not hold them from you.”

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