Can We Say Weak?

Tried not to send it… I’m sorry.

I tried not to send it to her…  But the curls were just another thing in my life that came as a result of her….

Well, I went almost a week without speaking to Col on the phone.  We were texting every other day, but we were not speaking.  Finally on Wednesday night I broke down and called.  I just wanted to hear her. 

I got off the phone that night knowing that she did indeed think about me.  She does miss me too.  I believe that may really be what I needed to know.  I also was reminded of why we are not together a few times during that phone call.  So I needed that too.

It’s just hard to remember the pain when all I can think about are the good things that I miss.  So it was real good to hear her say some of the same things in the same way she always has that night.

I don’t know if I will ever completely be able to give up on her.  I think a part of me will always hope she realizes that she chould have had some really good things in her life if only she would give freely.

Still, I just can’t stop thinking about how much she meant to me.  She has had such a huge impact on my life.  Everyone says it will take so long to get over her.  I agree.   I look at other women and I just to see what I saw in her.  Still can’t believe I could have been so wrong about what I felt. 

Do you think she sees what our relationship meant to me?  Can she see that way she changed my life?  So many huge changes… scares me a bit.  Now I feel like I don’t have that best friend in my life.  And I know, even though I wish I was, I am just not strong enough to be chums yet.  I’m still caught up in her.  I think until I can honestly say that my heart doesn’t jump when the phone rings… I won’t be 100% able to be the right kind of friend.

I would like to be able to heal with each other.  And maybe it is possible since we live so far…  who knows…  “if I had all the answers, I would not hold them from you.”

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