I am far from perfect, I know that.
What is not as easy to acquiesce though, is that I do not have to be perfect.
Day in and day out my mind is telling me that if I don’t complete each item on the to-do-list with impeccability, I am nothing. Zero. Might as well go back to bed and not show my face today at all.
Not worth the air I breathe.
I make it to the bottom of the stairs and realize I forgot to pray:
“Well wow, what a piece of shit. When are you ever going to get this right?”
Didn’t set the coffee pot up last night:
“Seriously, it takes one minute to do, get it together!”
Not to work by 8am on-the-dot:
“It’s just two kids, plenty of women do plenty more, there is no excuse.”
You had also better believe that I am not asking for help along the way. That is the ultimate sign of weakness. If you see me as needing help then I’m not picture perfect, and again, who the hell am I.
I am worthless.
I don’t need help, what are you going to do? Something that I can very well do for myself? Why? I just can’t wrap my brain around that concept. If I’m not doing it all then you will think that I can’t, and you will know I am really nothing.
If I am not perfectly poised in polished perfection, then what and who am I?
I am unexceptional.
I am just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill human being.
Why is that so hard?
Wouldn’t it be easier to just relinquish control of it all?
If I were to let go, it will look like I dropped it.
We just can’t have that.
Or can we?