So… we did!
Well, this past week has been a roller coaster for me. On Sunday of last week I was at my mothers house for my 16 year old sisters birthday (refer to eyes). At this point I am still very uncomfortable at my Moms, ever since the whole “Jenn is gay” thing.
My Mother wants to know nothing about that part of my life. This is something that is very difficult for me because I have always been extremely close with my Mothers side of the family: Especially my Mother. Examples: We drive the same car, have the same hair, work for the same company, and in the same office. People can’t even tell us apart on the phone. I can’t tell you how many times a week I hear, “oh, if that isn’t something your mother would say…”
But now we are distant. Further away than I have ever felt from her. I am in love with my girlfriend. In love in every way possible. I am even in love with the “I don’t like your tone right now” parts of us. I want nothing more than to be able to share this love and pure joy with my family. It is inconceivable to me that I will not be able to bring my girlfriend over for Christmas eve dinner, the fourth of July, my birthday, or for anything for that matter. This is something that cuts at me with every thought of my mother.
Please don’t get me wrong, I love my mother with all of my heart. And I fully understand her points of veiw on my lesbianism. (is that a word) And I will give her all the time in the world to get used to this, as I have no other choice in the matter. Nonetheless, it will continue to break my heart when my girl is not by my side for these family events.
On a lighter note, my Father on the other hand, has accepted my choice to be with Colleen very readily. In his mind, as long as I am finally happy, that is all that matters. So, Col with be up visiting with my fathers side of the family next weekend. (Two opposite sides of the coin, yes, I know). And I could not be more grateful to have this diversity in my life. It is teaching me to accept all others, even when they themselves can not accept parts of me.
So last Sunday I was driving home to Rochester from Buffalo(where the folks live), and I just kept on driving. I got to Cols around 12, and I left at 8 in the morning to come back home for work. Crazy, maybe. But it was needed. I did not realize until I got there and saw her giggling at the door that I needed her so badly that night. Granted perhaps 11 hours of driving for 8 hours of being held was a bit much, but like I said, I am in love with this woman. She does things to my heart that no one has been able to do for quite some time.
Went to work on Tuesday and but in a transfer request to move to Hackensack, NJ. This would put me within 29 minutes of the most beautifully stunning woman you have ever seen. Same job, more money, closer to her: no contest.
Wednesdays morning I woke up to an e-mail telling me that the position had been filled. Cried instantly at my desk at work. Made it perhaps 4 hours and went home. I texted Colleen to meet me for darts at a bar near where she lives. I needed to daydream, you know? Well we both daydreamed for a little while until I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to take my girl out that night and I wasn’t going to wait. I had heard her voice earlier in the day and could tell it was shaky just as mine was; we needed each other. I drove out again, I did not tell her this time. This time I waited until I was 30 minutes from her home and called to ask if she would like to go on a date with me. She got upset and told me she didn’t want to mess around anymore. After informing her I was not joking, I pulled in the driveway.
We had a lovely dinner on an outside patio of one of the first places we had eaten together in her home town. We than went down the road to play darts. We laughed for hours there, as usual. Came home went to bed, woke up and called into work. There was no letting her go this time, not yet anyway. We went to the park and played for most of the day. We went grocery shopping at a freaking race way(Stew Lenyrds) I think. Got some wine, okay a lot of wine. Went home and watched the Sabers game, made great food, love, and went to sleep.
Friday game early, I left around 4 am to make it to work on time. By the time I got to work, I just wasn’t into it. My heart wasn’t there, not in the least bit. 5.5 hours of driving in the AM really takes it out of you I guess. I got quite a bit done nonetheless. Left early on account of everything was done. Got home parked the car. And didn’t even want to go in the house. Why? I kept asking why? I wanted to be with her, not alone in my house. And we both didn’t have to be anywhere until Saturday evening. So I ran in my apt. and got some new clothes, fed the cats, and on the road again I was!
Folks, I love this woman. I have driven 3000 miles this week to be near her for shorts spurts of time. But I realized on Friday that it is so true… we only live this life once. I may never find this again. And I for sure never want to lose this. I want to spend ever moment I can with her. And hopefully many more moments to come.
Today, Mothers day, I brought my mother coffee and gifts at 9:30am. We sat in her basement and talked just as we always had. My heart was so warmed by this. As I could tell was hers. My sister and I got dressed up and took mom to breakfast with my Brother and Step father. On the way to the restaurant my mother said, looking at her daughters:
“No one will ever believe I am old enough to have daughters that look like you.”
This is the Mom I love. This is the mom who is so proud of her daughter, and loves to see her happy. My sister and I were literally skipping down the street holding hands like two year olds. I have not been this person in years. I have not felt so light hearted in a very long time. There is not doubt in my mind that my mother can see that. She always told me that she could not wait to see the “old Jennifer”. Well, she’s back! And she is here to stay. I have found a part of me that has been lost under a cloud of regret for far too long. A life filled with regretful choices and mistakes, has been overcome by my coming to terms with what truly makes me happy. I have rediscovered, and discovered for the first time the things that make me happy at work, in love, with my family, in my own mind while I am alone, on the street, in my home, in all facets of my life.
This Jennifer is “new” to me again, as well as all other in my life. I expect it to take time for things to settle again. It will take time for people to realize that this is real. That the girl who loves to laugh, sing, dance and play like there is no-one else in the room is back for good.
Woman, I love you! We both have our faults. I do not love you despite them, I love you even because of them. Can you love me for mine?
If we did not have these faults in us, we would not be who we are today. Neither of us would know how joyful a laugh can be. We would not know how good a good day is if we had not had so many bad ones in our pasts.