Well, I know it’s a broad topic.  But, don’t you ever just stop and think what happened to it?  What went wrong with people?  Why are so many so angry?

Did you ever wonder, “What did I do to them?”

I have.  I have been a lot the last couple of days.

For whatever reason I have always just expected people to be good.  I believe that human beings have a moral obligation to be decent, if not pleasant with one another.

Some days, more than others, it is almost impossible to locate such a being.

Even if your manage to find said person, all of the other inherently inconsiderate fellows have to, somehow, creep right up and remind you that for the most part humanity is hardly humane at all…

My Favorite Rochesterian is Back in the ROC!

Today:  Free Concert at Boulder Coffee

             Star gazing from atop the Planatarium after dark

             Perhaps watch the king shows this evening. (If AK is not too tired from her trip back to the States)

It’s kind of funny.  I have never really been that much of a planner.  Col always seemed to be the one coming up with ideas and things to do while we are together.  It was yet another thing that I had admired about her.  It made her so fun and exciting to be around.  Nonetheless, over the past few weeks, I have really gotten into the idea of finding new things to do.

I truly enjoy having an answer when asked; “Any ideas as to what to do today?”

Down Days

Maybe it is the weather. (Grey)

Maybe it is the change in diet. (Less Energy)

Perhaps it is the running…

I don’t know what it is, but I just feel down.  I was with friends last night, and at least three of them asked me why I was so quiet.  I don’t know why I am so quiet.  I’m observing.  Lately, I have just been going out to watch people.  To see if there is anyone that even remotely sparks my interest.  As of yet, no luck.  🙂

I feel lonely, I know that.  But that is normal, and not new.   I am surrounded by more people lately then I ever have been before.  (I am very grateful for that BTW).  However, some days I get home and I  want to sweet talk with someone.  Sometimes I just want the words “I love you” to slip from my lips.  To hear those words would warm my heart better still. 

To be honest, I think I am lacking human contact.  And I thrive on contact and touch.  Some people truley are recharged by the power of touch, and I am one of those people.

Back to the grind… 

So You A Lesbian Right? Wait, Why Won’t You Touch My Boyfriend?

Okay, in all honesty, I had my third brush with this last night and it made me want to finally hit the woman!

Sitting outside waiting for a friend to say goodbye to her girlfriend, when a woman comes up to me, smoking a cigarette and sits down very close next to me.

“Are you waiting for your girlfriend?”  She casually asks.

“Nope, just waiting for a friend to take her home.”  I replied.

“Oh, maybe you can help me with something.”

Not amused, I ask “And what would that be?”

“Well, I have a boyfriend.  But… I like girls.”  She says with the most horrible innocent impression ever!

Thoroughly annoyed now, “Sorry to hear that, but I can’t help ya out.”

“Well, he is totally open to it.  And he want me to experiment, but we can never find anyone who will include him in the sex.”

“Like I said, I don’t know what to tell you.  Look around, you’re at a gay bar.  All the women here like to date women, that’s why they don’t want to touch you dude.  Quite frankly it is offensive for you to be here scouting out potential women to take home.”

Really folks!  I feel like I truly get offended by this behavior.  I really wish there were more people out there who could make me believe this world still has morals.

Jack Johnson says it best:  Where’d all the good people go?!

I’m Sorry (Doesn’t seem quite good enough does it?)

AK:  I am sorry for not being at the right spot right now.

JB:  I am sorry for not being the friend you need right now.

AR:  I am so very sorry for meeting you at the wrong time in my life.

CK:  The only thing I can say I’m sorry to you for, is that this is so hard for me.

Okay,  so, I think that just about covers it.  I know that I can’t make up for being such a shitty person all at once.  But I am going to try my hardest. 

This isn’t the person I am inside.  This person people are seeing is a woman who is breaking each second of the day.  I know that is the worst excuse.  And because of that I plan to stay away from these people until I heal.  I love all of these people for being a part of my life, and the last thing I want is to show them this part of me.

I know I will heal.  I know this is just temporary pain.  I just hope the people I care for are still around whenever it is that my heart mends.

I’ll come back.  I always do. 

Do I Deserve That?

Thank you for the surprise! People are brought into our lives at the exact right moment! Thank goodness I got my ass out of bed on Saturday!

I don’t think I ever realized how little credit I give myself until the past two weeks.  I always know I deserved to be treated well.  But few and far in-between were the people who would go out of there way for me.

Someone did that for me tonight and reminded me that I am not supposed to be the only one giving.  I am allowed to have good things in my life.  I felt truly cared for tonight.  And although friends can’t take all the pain away right now, they are trying their damnedest to distract me.  I was beginning to think I didn’t deserve to be treated like that.

Thank you for that! Perhaps real friends are out there.

Let it go!

Can We Say Weak?

Tried not to send it… I’m sorry.

I tried not to send it to her…  But the curls were just another thing in my life that came as a result of her….

Well, I went almost a week without speaking to Col on the phone.  We were texting every other day, but we were not speaking.  Finally on Wednesday night I broke down and called.  I just wanted to hear her. 

I got off the phone that night knowing that she did indeed think about me.  She does miss me too.  I believe that may really be what I needed to know.  I also was reminded of why we are not together a few times during that phone call.  So I needed that too.

It’s just hard to remember the pain when all I can think about are the good things that I miss.  So it was real good to hear her say some of the same things in the same way she always has that night.

I don’t know if I will ever completely be able to give up on her.  I think a part of me will always hope she realizes that she chould have had some really good things in her life if only she would give freely.

Still, I just can’t stop thinking about how much she meant to me.  She has had such a huge impact on my life.  Everyone says it will take so long to get over her.  I agree.   I look at other women and I just to see what I saw in her.  Still can’t believe I could have been so wrong about what I felt. 

Do you think she sees what our relationship meant to me?  Can she see that way she changed my life?  So many huge changes… scares me a bit.  Now I feel like I don’t have that best friend in my life.  And I know, even though I wish I was, I am just not strong enough to be chums yet.  I’m still caught up in her.  I think until I can honestly say that my heart doesn’t jump when the phone rings… I won’t be 100% able to be the right kind of friend.

I would like to be able to heal with each other.  And maybe it is possible since we live so far…  who knows…  “if I had all the answers, I would not hold them from you.”

I Don’t Dare…

Hello Again.  It has been quite some time again since I have posted. 

My heart so badly wants to go back through all of my old post to read about Colleen.  I want to read about all of the silly things we have done.  And I want to read her responses.  But I don’t dare go back right now.

Most of all, I wanted to someday begin to write like that again.   I kept hoping that things would change and get better again after the stress from our Jobs and School had subsided.  It didn’t matter how many people would tell me that I would just get hurt.  It didn’t matter.  It never has. 

I didn’t know how long it would take me to get sick of being hurt and mistreated, but I guess I did know that someday it would have to end.  I just know I couldn’t do it.  I love her, I know I wouldn’t be able to walk away from her for good.

I kept repeating, to everyone trying to console me this weekend, that this was what I wanted.  I kept saying that it was okay because inside I really wanted it to end for a while now.  But also, I kept asking.. “Than why does it hurt so bad?”

The truth is, this isn’t what I wanted.  I wanted Her.  I wanted things to work out.  She lit up my life for the short time she was in it.  And I keep wondering how in the world our relationship accomplished so much over such a short time.  I don’t have all of those answers.  But I do know that this is killing me. 

I try to remind myself that people don’t change.  If the things she did and said hurt me today they are still going to hurt me tomorrow.   I just kept hoping that she would finally want to change.  I really believed that if she felt unconditional love, she would want to stop hurting the women in her life.  I saw in her a woman that wants to be different.  It came down to the reality that it is just easier to continue to push people away than it is to change yourself. 

But although I know all of that, I was not ready to let her go.  I just got back from spending nearly two weeks with her, and my heart was breaking from having to leave her again in the middle of the night.  I had not even completely unpacked yet.

I know that I couldn’t have changed her.  You can’t change a person.  The thing is, I didn’t want her to change.  I love her for who she is, even the worst parts!  But I did want her to lean on me.  I wanted her to need me, and know it.  I wanted her to say she was sorry and mean it.  I wanted her to let someone finally love her, and let that love motivate her to change. (not sure how to word that) 

Right now the hardest part of this, is knowing the she is just going about her life as if I was never in it.  I’m not trying to be an ass.  I’m not saying I want her to be hurting as much as I am.  Because that sucks.  But it would be nice to know that she misses my touch too.  I’d like to know that when she see’s Nemo she is going to cry for a minute.  I just want to be missed.  I throught I was “missable”.  I know she is to me.  

It is for the best, I know.  This will do away, I hope.   But I’m still dreaming…

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