One year

I’ve been telling myself for a year straight all of the reasons my marriage is over. All of the negatives. Almost inflating them in my mind so as to disconnect from the stabbing pain in my heart.

At first things were crazy. Trying to find our footing. Flailing around, wondering how this could have happened to our perfect life.

There was the initial pain. There was sobbing alone on the ground on my birthday last year, just not understanding how I could not have been enough. I would rationalize and tell myself there was no way it could be broken. That we would absolutely fix this and make it through just like everything else over the last 12 years.

I quickly learned that I did not have the power to put it back together on my own. I couldn’t force the warped puzzle pieces to fit the way they once had. But don’t kid yourself, I sure as shit tried my hardest.

Then came the part where I would try to tell myself it was all in my head. That somehow I was wrong. That I could live with this new normal so that I didn’t have to tear down the walls on the beautiful life we had.

Next I blamed myself. If only I had done this or that I would have been what she wanted. If I was more fun, more sexual, not so serious. If, if, if.

When we finally got to therapy I knew we would fix it. We would certainly not throw away all of these years, memories and love. All therapy did was explain to me why things fell apart. But even the best therapist in the world couldn’t make her choose me, us.

Then the realization that we were done. That we couldn’t put our story back together. We couldn’t unsee what we saw. And we couldn’t unknow what we now knew.

Those months were the most painful I have even walked through. I had support but nothing could take away the pain of losing my best friend. Even if I did know it was “for the best”. Having to keep it together inside these walls was excruciating agony.

Then she left. Fuck. I could breathe in my home again. I could sit on the couch. I could turn the corner without seeing the glaring reminder of all I ever knew.

I was now alone for the first time in over a decade. Not only alone. Lost. Heartbroken. And trying to hide it the best I could. After all, this was my decision. How could I bitch about it now? I couldn’t. I had to be solid. I had to keep it together for the two boys and all of the adulting left for me to manage on my own.

I told myself and others, “Look at me, I’m making it through without the breakdown!”

Im not. I’m down, and I’m broken. And it has come to mind that I need to honor that. I need to stop fighting it. I need to accept the fact that while I may be able to keep up with the day to day, that is clearly no indication of what is going on inside.

I can keep this show looking good on the outside. I can manage all the things. I can make sure noone thinks I’m losing it. I apparently successfully had myself believing that lie.

Today, on my birthday one year later, I am being honest. With myself, and anyone who cares to know.

It kills me that while we are still quite amicable, there is a lot of pain in this for me. I tell myself I need to set boundaries for her. They aren’t for her, they are for me. They are to keep my heart safe. As safe as it can be today.

We will continue to love each other and our son. That will never change. But if I’m going to get past this, I need to feel it with honesty. I don’t have to be a bad ass day in and day out. I’m allowed to feel hurt, even if I don’t always believe that myself.

Real

Was it real?

No, it wasn’t.

It is.

Nothing has ever been more genuine.

Something like this, no wait, that doesn’t exist. There is nothing like this.

No more truth has ever lived inside of a soul.

Or two.

It could never have stayed in a box.

There is no question.

Unforgettable.

Love well lived, lives on indefinitely.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

I wonder what else I could have been?

We all do that right? Run all of those “what if’s” through our brains?

I have no idea what I could have been. I do know that whomever I am today is exactly who I am meant to be in this very moment. I don’t actually want to be or do more. Right now I am and have enough.

It took me a few months recently to get myself to believe that it is okay that I am happy with my life, even if and when others are not.

Tough doodoo really, because it’s my life now.

I built this life with a whole hell of a lot of blood, sweat and tears. I could never have woken up one day and decided it was no longer the life I wanted.

Someone Else

I feel like a waste of space that should be held by someone greater.

Someone less black and white.

Someone with fewer plans.

Someone that doesn’t push so hard.

Someone with less need for conversation beyond the mundane.

Someone that wants to party like a Rockstar.

Someone that doesn’t need emotional and physical fidelity.

Someone with less need for growth.

Someone who will bend more without breaking the illusion of happiness.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. But, It did.

I can’t control it, but I can grow through it.

Certainty

Every day is different.

Every hour, really.

At first I’m okay. Then, I overthink my day and become overwhelmed.

One day at a time. One hour. One minute. Much easier said than done when everything feels so uncertain.

So, what is certain?

Each day, I will wake up. I will because I have to.

I will take care of these children like my life depends on it. It does.

I will take care of myself, because right now that is one of the only things I can do. And I can do it well.

I’ve done it before. I will remember how, and I will do it again. No matter how unclear the future may be, that I can do.

Bitter Sweet…

My Girl and Me

At the risk of sounding cliche, it’s the only title to seem to suit the following post.

Is it you, or is it me?

Is it true, we just can’t be?

Things are hard these days. It has been a month of fighting every day. Sometimes we can’t even look at each other without starting a fight. I’m not even sure when all of this started, but it doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon.

We disagree on almost everything, but we can’t seem to agree to disagree. One of us always wants the other one to see things her way. This drive me up the wall because I feel like we could work out if we could only reside in the fact that we are not the same people, therefore we will not see things the same way.

I don’t have to be a dog lover to love a dog lover.

She doesn’t have to love Catholicism to love a catholic.

But relationships have to contain a certain level of respect in order for these differences to be a complement as apposed to a detriment.

The thing is, I don’t have the answer! I don’t know how to save this relationship. All I know is that I need some help soon with this or I’m afraid our relationship will be just another love lost.

“I’m so glad I went to that haunted house!”

     And boy am I ever!  I saw merely a thumbnail sized picture of this woman and my heart fluttered.  Just when I was really beginning to wonder why I could not find another woman that interested me, this one came out of no where! 

     She was an icon on a friends MySpace comment section.  A picture so small I could barely make out the tongue ring, and cute little glasses!  I could just barely see that smile, but it was clear that she was B E A U T I F U L!  I had to figure out a way to meet her.

     Thank goodness for friends who look out for you!  The girls already had it in the works before I even asked who she was.  They invited me to a haunted house and when I showed up I asked who the girl BECK was on their MySpace page.  Just than, the phone rang and one of the girls went to open the door.

    In moments, that gorgeously intimidating woman walked into the apartment and sat on the couch!  WOW. 

     One month later and my bags are packed.  I was so scared of my feelings, because in a way, I don’t think I expected to fall in love with another person, let alone another woman again.  I was done. (refer to previous posts).  All of the sudden I found myself at home with nothing to wear, and I realised that all of my things were at her house. 

Our lives fit together.  We fit together. 

     The best part is; we are not a strain on each other.  We are a compliment to one another.  This is a woman who brings out the absolute best in me.  And she can handle the worst of me.  What else could I ask for?

   Have you ever stayed home on a Friday night with your girl and decided to clean the bathroom together?  Have you ever had a kick ass time doing said cleaning?  Well, I had not until her.  She makes me do crazy things.

Tonight will be the first night that I have not held her in my arms since we began dateing.  This will be a tough one.  I love you lover!

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