Good evening!  This has been a rough week.

Tuesday I was accused of cheating on the most important and beautiful woman in my life.  This hurt so bad because the last thing I ever want to even think about is being with anyone else.  But, a person needs friends.  I can’t be in the city all alone.  I will lose my mind if I don’t have contact with other people.   It is not possible for me to drive out to Yonkers every time I want to spend quality time with people.

Now, please don’t get me wrong.  Time spent with my girlfriend outweighs any amount of time I could possibly spend with any other person on this planet.  But in-between visits, I need to keep busy, bottom line.

As far as the title of this blog, I feel like I have so much inside of me right now that I may explode at any momont.  I am holding back so much.  I don’t like feeling like I am sitting here, so far away from the one woman in the world I want to hold, and I am doing nothing about it.

Nor do I want to feel like I will always have to be the one to bend.  One person can only bend so far until they break.  And, in a way, I feel as though I broke on Tuesday night.  I could never even think about calling Colleen a cheater.  Let alone cut her off all night just because I have some idea about people in the past fucking around on me. 

I think today, I feel like I am not loved.  Today I feel like I am not enough.  And yet, at the same time, I know I treat her, and love her the very best I can.  Better, and more than I have ever loved anyone.  I am ready and willing to give up everything I have here today to be with her.

This is not a fling folk.  We have all had flings.  I know how that feels.  But what I feel when she is holding me in her arms, is something I have not yet felt.  And I am not embarahsed or ashamed of that.  I am proud that she is the one person who has given this feeling to my heart. 

But again, right now, I just don’t feel loved.  She will be here tomorrow, and I am afraid that she is not even interested in seeing me.  I am afraid that she is more interested in the hockey game in Buffalo, and all of the people in Buffalo that she left behind.  I don’t know if I will ever mean enough to her.  Will I ever be enough? 

I know that the amount of love I have to give is enough to circle the world 50 times over, but is it enough for her?  Why doesn’t she seem excited to see me? 

Also, on a side note… I have done nothing to wrong her in anyway.  I have done nothing but give her more love than anyone could ask for.  I know that.  Do I not deserve the same?

Baby,  I want to see you.  I need to see you.  I need to feel you within inches of my face.  I need you to hold my face in your hands and tell me how much you have missed me.  I need you to tell me that you need to see me too.  I need you.


“You could fit two people in this shirt!”

So… we did! 

Well, this past week has been a roller coaster for me.  On Sunday of last week I was at my mothers house for my 16 year old sisters birthday (refer to eyes).  At this point I am still very uncomfortable at my Moms, ever since the whole “Jenn is gay” thing. 

My Mother wants to know nothing about that part of my life.  This is something that is very difficult for me because I have always been extremely close with my Mothers side of the family: Especially my Mother.  Examples:  We drive the same car, have the same hair, work for the same company, and in the same office.  People can’t even tell us apart on the phone.  I can’t tell you how many times a week I hear, “oh, if that isn’t something your mother would say…”

But now we are distant.  Further away than I have ever felt from her.  I am in love with my girlfriend.  In love in every way possible.  I am even in love with the “I don’t like your tone right now” parts of us.  I want nothing more than to be able to share this love and pure joy with my family.  It is inconceivable to me that I will not be able to bring my girlfriend over for Christmas eve dinner, the fourth of July, my birthday, or for anything for that matter.  This is something that cuts at me with every thought of my mother. 

Please don’t get me wrong, I love my mother with all of my heart.  And I fully understand her points of veiw on my lesbianism.  (is that a word)  And I will give her all the time in the world to get used to this, as I have no other choice in the matter.  Nonetheless, it will continue to break my heart when my girl is not by my side for these family events.

On a lighter note, my Father on the other hand, has accepted my choice to be with Colleen very readily.  In his mind, as long as I am finally happy, that is all that matters.  So, Col with be up visiting with my fathers side of the family next weekend. (Two opposite sides of the coin, yes, I know).  And I could not be more grateful to have this diversity in my life.  It is teaching me to accept all others, even when they themselves can not accept parts of me. 

So last Sunday I was driving home to Rochester from Buffalo(where the folks live), and I just kept on driving.  I got to Cols around 12, and I left at 8 in the morning to come back home for work.  Crazy, maybe.  But it was needed.  I did not realize until I got there and saw her giggling at the door that I needed her so badly that night.  Granted perhaps 11 hours of driving for 8 hours of being held was a bit much, but like I said, I am in love with this woman.  She does things to my heart that no one has been able to do for quite some time.

Went to work on Tuesday and but in a transfer request to move to Hackensack, NJ.   This would put me within 29 minutes of the most beautifully stunning woman you have ever seen.  Same job, more money, closer to her: no contest. 

Wednesdays morning I woke up to an e-mail telling me that the position had been filled.  Cried instantly at my desk at work.  Made it perhaps 4 hours and went home.  I texted Colleen to meet me for darts at a bar near where she lives.  I needed to daydream, you know?  Well we both daydreamed for a little while until I couldn’t take it anymore.  I wanted to take my girl out that night and I wasn’t going to wait.  I had heard her voice earlier in the day and could tell it was shaky just as mine was; we needed each other.  I drove out again, I did not tell her this time.  This time I waited until I was 30 minutes from her home and called to ask if she would like to go on a date with me.  She got upset and told me she didn’t want to mess around anymore.  After informing her I was not joking, I pulled in the driveway. 

We had a lovely dinner on an outside patio of one of the first places we had eaten together in her home town.  We than went down the road to play darts.  We laughed for hours there, as usual.  Came home went to bed, woke up and called into work.  There was no letting her go this time, not yet anyway.  We went to the park and played for most of the day.  We went grocery shopping at a freaking race way(Stew Lenyrds) I think.  Got some wine, okay a lot of wine.  Went home and watched the Sabers game, made great food, love, and went to sleep. 

Friday game early, I left around 4 am to make it to work on time.  By the time I got to work, I just wasn’t into it.  My heart wasn’t there, not in the least bit.  5.5 hours of driving in the AM really takes it out of you I guess.  I got quite a bit done nonetheless.  Left early on account of everything was done.  Got home parked the car.  And didn’t even want to go in the house.  Why?  I kept asking why?  I wanted to be with her, not alone in my house.  And we both didn’t have to be anywhere until Saturday evening.  So I ran in my apt. and got some new clothes, fed the cats, and on the road again I was! 

Folks, I love this woman.  I have driven 3000 miles this week to be near her for shorts spurts of time.  But I realized on Friday that it is so true… we only live this life once.  I may never find this again.  And I for sure never want to lose this.  I want to spend ever moment I can with her.  And hopefully many more moments to come. 

Today, Mothers day, I brought my mother coffee and gifts at 9:30am.  We sat in her basement and talked just as we always had.  My heart was so warmed by this.  As I could tell was hers.  My sister and I got dressed up and took mom to breakfast with my Brother and Step father.  On the way to the restaurant my mother said, looking at her daughters:

“No one will ever believe I am old enough to have daughters that look like you.”

This is the Mom I love.  This is the mom who is so proud of her daughter, and loves to see her happy.  My sister and I were literally skipping down the street holding hands like two year olds.  I have not been this person in years.  I have not felt so light hearted in a very long time.  There is not doubt in my mind that my mother can see that.  She always told me that she could not wait to see the “old Jennifer”.  Well, she’s back!  And she is here to stay.  I have found a part of me that has been lost under a cloud of regret for far too long.  A life filled with regretful choices and mistakes, has been overcome by my coming to terms with what truly makes me happy.  I have rediscovered, and discovered for the first time the things that make me happy at work, in love, with my family, in my own mind while I am alone, on the street, in my home, in all facets of my life.

This Jennifer is “new” to me again, as well as all other in my life.  I expect it to take time for things to settle again.  It will take time for people to realize that this is real.  That the girl who loves to laugh, sing, dance and play like there is no-one else in the room is back for good.

Woman, I love you!  We both have our faults.  I do not love you despite them, I love you even because of them.  Can you love me for mine?

If we did not have these faults in us, we would not be who we are today.  Neither of us would know how joyful a laugh can be.  We would not know how good a good day is if we had not had so many bad ones in our pasts. 


Okay, So now I am at the Airport.  Waiting!  I am not very patient so this is tough.

At the moment I am sort of feeling like my girlfriend is ignoring me.  I’m sure she is just busy at work….  I hope.  But I really feel like I am being ignored.  I don’t want the good stuff to fade away.

 I live for the good stuff.  I live for the butterflies.  I live for the feeling that her voice puts in my stomach!  The little flip my heart does every time i see a new text message.  But lately, the past two days, she has not been the one texting me????

I’m leavin’

 You are my:

Jean Jacket Partner

Irish Boy Bar Partner

Easter Sunday Fish Fry Partner

“Drive” Partner

Four Bottle of Wine Partner (ouch)

Tree Branch Running Over Partner

Sweat Pant Finding Partner

Baby Hair Dressing Partner

Weed Vase Partner

Roasted Nut Partner

Nacho Partner

Hat Partner

Couch Partner

Kissing Partner

Cheese and Cracker Partner

Step Back Partner

Shower Partner

Wasabi Pea Partner

Phone Partner

Lyrics Partner

Camping Partner

Dart partner

Walking Partner

Drinking Partener

Kiss Scouting Partner

Singing Partner

Hummus Partner

Cuddling Partner

Sabers Gear Shopping Partner

Will you be my forever…….

 All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go, I’m standing here outside your door,
I hate to wake you up to say good-bye.
But the dawn is breaking, it’s early morn, the taxi’s waiting He’s blowing his horn.
Already I’m so lonesome I could die.
So kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you’ll wait for me, hold me like you’ll never let me go.
‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again. Oh, babe, I hate to go.

There’s so many times I’ve let you down, so many times I’ve played around,
I tell you now they don’t mean a thing.
Every place I go I’ll think of you, every song I sing I’ll sing for you,
when I come back, I’ll bring your wedding ring.
So kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you’ll wait for me, hold me like you’ll never let me go.
‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again. Oh, babe, I hate to go.

Now the time has come to leave you, one more time let me kiss you,
then close your eyes, I’ll be on my way.
Dream about the days to come when I won’t have to leave alone,
about the times I won’t have to say:
kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you’ll wait for me, hold me like you’ll never let me go.
‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again. Oh, babe, I hate to go.
I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again. Oh, babe, I hate to go.

I won’t Say (I’m in Love) My Obsession with Lyrics Continues….

These are the words that I think in my mind every minute when you are near me.  Every time I put my fingers through your hair and those three words try to force them selves out from between my lips. 

Why do we fight this so much.  We are cautious.  We are concerned for ourselves as well as each other.  

Perhaps someday I will allow the words to spill from my mouth once I know without a doubt that I will not hurt you.  I won’t tell you how I feel until I know it is okay.


“If there’s a prize for rotten judgement,
I guess I’ve already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That’s ancient history,
Been there
Done that

Who’d ya think you’re kidding?
He’s the earth and heaven to ya
Try to keep it hidden, honey we can see right through ya
Girl ya can’t conceal it
We know how you’re feelin’, who you’re thinking of

No chance, no way, I won’t say it, no no
You swoon, you sigh
Why deny it, uh oh
It’s too…clich©
I won’t say I’m in love
(Oooooh ooooh oooh)

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when ya start out
My head is screaming “get a grip, girl!”
“Unless you’re dying to cry your heart out!” Ooooh oooh

You keep on denying
Who you are and how you’re feelin’
Baby, we’re not lying, hone we saw ya Hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown up
When ya gonna own up that ya got, got, got it back?

No chance, no way, I won’t say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you’re in love!
Your doing flips read our lips your in love

You’re way off base
I won’t say it
Get off my case
I won’t say it

No chance, no way, I won’t say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you’re in love!
The scene wont play
I won’t say I’m in love
Your doing flips read our lips your in love

You’re way off base
I won’t say it
Girl, don’t be proud, it’s ok, you’re in love

No chance, no way, I won’t say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you’re in love!
The scene wont play
I wont say I’m in love

At least out loud
I won’t say I’m in….love”

Is it Possible to Ignore Our Fears…?

Well, It has again been a wonderful weekend! 

“Dude, get away from my… girlfriend!”  Duh, Jenn-1 Col-1

Perhaps it is possible to cast the fear aside.  But in the same sense, maybe we don’t have to.  Maybe we can still be scared, and cautious.  Is it possible that all we need to do is talk about this?

I found a Poem that seems to say quite a bit of what I am feeling this afternoon!

“I think of you every day.
While you cannot be here,
I am already there
In my mind
Fading behind city bustle, the present moment wanes.
A distant image, reflected only in photographs.

I never know when I’ll see you again
If I’ll ever see you again
So I treasure the one poem, the only picture I have of you
I hold them tight, never to let you go.

And I wonder sometimes,
Have I completely lost my mind?

We’re friends, I chant to myself:
As if chanting would somehow change the truth
Somehow soothe the soul
Somehow calm the questioning mind,
As it relentlessly presses forward:
What if?
What if I had spoken my mind?
What if I had cast aside my fears?
What if you had agreed?
Where would we be today?

But today is not yesterday
And yesterday is not tomorrow
So I go about daily life,
Forcing normality throughout.
If you chant a word long enough,
It begins to lose meaning
Dissecting compound consonants
To revel in the flesh of vowels.

For now, I revel in our memories
Remembering our magical times together
Hoping that one day you will return
In person
So that we can rewind a bit
This film called Life
And press play again.

This time we will do it right.”


Is This a Plan…

I am thinking it’s a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they’re perfectly alignedAnd I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into
Corresponding shapes like puzzles pieces
From the clay

True, it may seem like a stretch
But it’s thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you’re away, when I am missing you to death

When you were out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
“Come down now,” they’ll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
“Come down now,” but we’ll stay

I’ve tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
Sounded thin upon listening

That frankly will not fly
You will hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
“Come down now,” they’ll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
“Come down now,” but we’ll say…

Love =

Okay so I went on my visit this weekend.

If for some reason I had to define all of this right now, I think I could.  I don’t want to, but I could.

My family is not speaking to me.  I suppose this is to be expected.  I would just much rather it not have to be like this.

I want to be happy.  And I don’t want to feel like my happiness is hurting anyone.  Least of all my family.

I am who I am.  Does my prefference in shoes define me?  Than why should this?

Love = ❤ + ❤

Not Man+Woman

Not Woman + Woman

Not Man + Man

 Dorky, yes, but true!

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