What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

I wonder what else I could have been?

We all do that right? Run all of those “what if’s” through our brains?

I have no idea what I could have been. I do know that whomever I am today is exactly who I am meant to be in this very moment. I don’t actually want to be or do more. Right now I am and have enough.

It took me a few months recently to get myself to believe that it is okay that I am happy with my life, even if and when others are not.

Tough doodoo really, because it’s my life now.

I built this life with a whole hell of a lot of blood, sweat and tears. I could never have woken up one day and decided it was no longer the life I wanted.

Someone Else

I feel like a waste of space that should be held by someone greater.

Someone less black and white.

Someone with fewer plans.

Someone that doesn’t push so hard.

Someone with less need for conversation beyond the mundane.

Someone that wants to party like a Rockstar.

Someone that doesn’t need emotional and physical fidelity.

Someone with less need for growth.

Someone who will bend more without breaking the illusion of happiness.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. But, It did.

I can’t control it, but I can grow through it.


Every day is different.

Every hour, really.

At first I’m okay. Then, I overthink my day and become overwhelmed.

One day at a time. One hour. One minute. Much easier said than done when everything feels so uncertain.

So, what is certain?

Each day, I will wake up. I will because I have to.

I will take care of these children like my life depends on it. It does.

I will take care of myself, because right now that is one of the only things I can do. And I can do it well.

I’ve done it before. I will remember how, and I will do it again. No matter how unclear the future may be, that I can do.

Do You Know Who You’re Sitting Next To?

I can put up with a lot of things.

As a woman who is Gay, Bipolar, and a victim of Sexual Assault and Sexual Harassment, I have sat at many an uncomfortable table in my day.

I’ve had to listen to my friends and acquaintances throw around words like “crazy”, “ugh, I wanna slit my wrists” and my favorite, “so-and-so belongs in a mental hospital”.  Ignorance must be bliss.

Many times, especially lately, with current events as they are, I’ve sat through parties, lunches and dinners where they are callously and ignorantly tossing out hate speech about “the gays” and “trannies”.  Both abhorrent.

What I can’t do, is sit at a table and listen to people blame a woman for being raped, assaulted or harassed. Let alone these people blaming little girls for the same.

This has happened to me twice in the past week. Honestly, I didn’t realize that I was associating with people, women even, that find a way to blame a woman’s short skirt, or online dating for her being a victim of assault.

I can’t hear that. I can barely read it on my news feed, let alone hear the sentiments uttered aloud.

Fourteen years and an exorbitant amount of therapy later, I still blame myself.

Listen, I’m smart. I know logically, factually that I didn’t cause my assault, but in my heart and soul I blame myself.

If only I wasn’t drinking.

If only I was wearing something else.

If only I had done this or done that.

Screw you, I didn’t ask for this.

If a man can’t control himself around a drunk girl at a party, maybe he isn’t quite ready to dorm at college anyway?

If a man can’t control himself around my 19-year-old self’s jean skirt, maybe he has not business being a cop?

Let’s all do the world a favor, and stop talking about things we know nothing about, eh?

Bitter Sweet…

My Girl and Me

At the risk of sounding cliche, it’s the only title to seem to suit the following post.

Is it you, or is it me?

Is it true, we just can’t be?

Things are hard these days. It has been a month of fighting every day. Sometimes we can’t even look at each other without starting a fight. I’m not even sure when all of this started, but it doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon.

We disagree on almost everything, but we can’t seem to agree to disagree. One of us always wants the other one to see things her way. This drive me up the wall because I feel like we could work out if we could only reside in the fact that we are not the same people, therefore we will not see things the same way.

I don’t have to be a dog lover to love a dog lover.

She doesn’t have to love Catholicism to love a catholic.

But relationships have to contain a certain level of respect in order for these differences to be a complement as apposed to a detriment.

The thing is, I don’t have the answer! I don’t know how to save this relationship. All I know is that I need some help soon with this or I’m afraid our relationship will be just another love lost.

“I’m so glad I went to that haunted house!”

     And boy am I ever!  I saw merely a thumbnail sized picture of this woman and my heart fluttered.  Just when I was really beginning to wonder why I could not find another woman that interested me, this one came out of no where! 

     She was an icon on a friends MySpace comment section.  A picture so small I could barely make out the tongue ring, and cute little glasses!  I could just barely see that smile, but it was clear that she was B E A U T I F U L!  I had to figure out a way to meet her.

     Thank goodness for friends who look out for you!  The girls already had it in the works before I even asked who she was.  They invited me to a haunted house and when I showed up I asked who the girl BECK was on their MySpace page.  Just than, the phone rang and one of the girls went to open the door.

    In moments, that gorgeously intimidating woman walked into the apartment and sat on the couch!  WOW. 

     One month later and my bags are packed.  I was so scared of my feelings, because in a way, I don’t think I expected to fall in love with another person, let alone another woman again.  I was done. (refer to previous posts).  All of the sudden I found myself at home with nothing to wear, and I realised that all of my things were at her house. 

Our lives fit together.  We fit together. 

     The best part is; we are not a strain on each other.  We are a compliment to one another.  This is a woman who brings out the absolute best in me.  And she can handle the worst of me.  What else could I ask for?

   Have you ever stayed home on a Friday night with your girl and decided to clean the bathroom together?  Have you ever had a kick ass time doing said cleaning?  Well, I had not until her.  She makes me do crazy things.

Tonight will be the first night that I have not held her in my arms since we began dateing.  This will be a tough one.  I love you lover!

So You A Lesbian Right? Wait, Why Won’t You Touch My Boyfriend?

Okay, in all honesty, I had my third brush with this last night and it made me want to finally hit the woman!

Sitting outside waiting for a friend to say goodbye to her girlfriend, when a woman comes up to me, smoking a cigarette and sits down very close next to me.

“Are you waiting for your girlfriend?”  She casually asks.

“Nope, just waiting for a friend to take her home.”  I replied.

“Oh, maybe you can help me with something.”

Not amused, I ask “And what would that be?”

“Well, I have a boyfriend.  But… I like girls.”  She says with the most horrible innocent impression ever!

Thoroughly annoyed now, “Sorry to hear that, but I can’t help ya out.”

“Well, he is totally open to it.  And he want me to experiment, but we can never find anyone who will include him in the sex.”

“Like I said, I don’t know what to tell you.  Look around, you’re at a gay bar.  All the women here like to date women, that’s why they don’t want to touch you dude.  Quite frankly it is offensive for you to be here scouting out potential women to take home.”

Really folks!  I feel like I truly get offended by this behavior.  I really wish there were more people out there who could make me believe this world still has morals.

Jack Johnson says it best:  Where’d all the good people go?!

Call Me What You Will…



1. a person who cherishes or pursues high or noble principles, purposes, goals, etc.
2. a visionary or impractical person.
3. a person who represents things as they might or should be rather than as they are.
4. a writer or artist who treats subjects imaginatively.
5. a person who accepts the doctrines of idealism.

2. romantic, dreamer, stargazer.

Even the People That You Envy Have Insecurities..

I went to visit my Girlfriend this past weekend again!  It was for the most part a wonderful visit. 

However, on Friday when I got there, shit hit the fan. (for the lack of a better way to say it)  I got back in the car with every intention of driving right back home.  I was exhausted, and the one person who is supposed to love me and care for me was being, well, less than desirable. 

I must confess, I had been worried this would happen for weeks now.  Every time I brought up these “rifts” we had, it seemed a bigger one resulted.  I knew something was amiss, and yet she continued to tell me that all was fine.

I envied her for being able to push away feelings so well.  I have never been able to do that.  I wished I did not care so much.  I kept thinking there was something wrong with me.  Why couldn’t I be as strong as her, as distant from her and she is from me?  I was jealous of her every accomplishment.  Her strength.  Her ability to brush off her knees and keep running astonishes me everyday.

Don’t get me wrong, I have seen in her, for quite some time now,  a sense of disappointment in  herself.   But most times, I just figured it was my over sensitive-empathetic-esp-bullshit-6th sense kicking in. (Don’t you like how Idescribe it?)  That was because, when I look at her, all I see are accomplishments.  All I see is a life lived so fully and freely.  (Okay, tear in my eye.)  Something I look back and wish, even at this point, that I had had the chance to do. 

Again,  don’t get me wrong.  Some people seem to think that I don’t realize I am still young.  I am fully aware of this fact.  However, I already did my partying.  I already went to college.  I already missed some of those things.  At times I love to just sit and listen to her tell me stories about her friends, and about the sports she has played.  I love hearing about all of the fun she had in college. 

So this woman in my life has got at all!  She has both sides!  She has been through way more than her fare share of the shit, but she has had a blast along the way.  And everyday, I know she must just think of some new thing she wants to be doing.  She blows my mind.  Who pulls a shot gun out of the closet while her girlfriend is naked in bed?  HOT!  The way she reaches above the bed to grab her water bottle give me butterflies!  Thank Goodness for the “little things.”

 I have never met anyone who interests me more.  I feel like I learn something new about her every single day.  She doubts herself and my jaw drops.  Why is it that mankind is so insecure about where they are and what they are doing; even when the rest of the world seem to be in awe of them? 

The whole point of this post, allthough it took way to long to say this, is that I am insanely jelouse of this woman in the best way possible, and think so damn highly of her, and yet she has doubt about her own self.  And at first glance, this woman looks like she has life by the balls and no one can take it from her!

Baby, I love you in every-way a person can love someone else.  Perhaps you don’t see your beauty and strength right at this moment, but you will!  Hey, If I let you beat me at darts will it help you feel better?  😉

Love Forver and Always,

Your Ping Pong!

Three Words

I love you! 

I love knowing you

I love getting to know you

I love looking at you

I love staring at you in the morning while you sleep

I love watching you do crossword puzzles

I love the paceince that you instill in me

I love playing darts with you

I love your q-tip hair

I love rope burn on my neck

I love thinking back and laughing at “nothing fights”

I love the antisipation that builds in me over 5.5 hours of driving

I love aliens in your closet

I love camping with my “buddy”

I love almost flipping a canoe

I love stopping ever hour for a bathroom (damn the pink pill)

I love scapeing the mouse off the dart board

I love English Muffins in the morning

I love red wine all over my white tank

I love racing through the grocery store

I love watching you play “rock star” in the passangers seat of my car

I love “No way, did you really eat a hot dog while we were there?”

I love “Where’s Colleen, I wonder if she would want to go for a walk?”

I love making you shy

I love your tell

I love when you make me shy and my feet twitch

I love “Oh shiv, I almost just ran into a truck!”

I love “Hey, is this the girl in the Taurus?”

I love “So the last time I checked, I didn’t own any pink thongs…”

I love the Ping Pong sign at the Airport

I love making out in the truck/on the truck

I love my giggleing girlfriend at the door

I love scubbing your back

I love “Wal-Mart does it to me every time.”

I love “So does that mean I get to watch more battlestar?”

I love you, you sick fuck!

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