Fog

I look forward to this day all week.

It is set aside as this special time when I can finally breathe. Feel moderately comfortable. Completely and fully exhale.

This time it was different.

There is something dark and heavy in the air. I could tell myself I’m just imagining it. I know how to do that. But I’ve done that for too long.

I’ve ignored this exact feeling many times over, and eventually it comes back to haunt me. It rears it’s nasty two pronged head another day while I’m kicking myself, wishing I’d have headed the warning.

This fog is coming from one of two places. The traditional answer is that it’s emanating from within me. And only me. That’s the script that I’ve been trained to read. It says I messed up or missed something. I can correct it and clear the air.

The other, less palpable answer, is that it isn’t just me. I won’t be able to fix it. I can’t flip a switch and vanquish this darkness. It’s not mine to eradicate. This is the narrative I despise. In this version of the story I have to rely on faith.

Faith that somehow, some way, something else can mend this brokenness.

Hands in the air, no driving with my knees. Just allowing something else to take the wheel.

Smash and Grab

We all know a Wonder Women. She is the one that you know will save you. When you are lost she will help you find your way. When you’re stuck she will build you a ramp to get you out.

You’re right, she is a Super Hero. The thing is though, even Super Heroes need a break. They need time and space to rescue their own damn selves. And that simply isn’t possible while saving you simultaneously.

These are the times when heroes need to mend. Regenerate their strength in whatever way they can. She needs to be surrounded by other strong people, places and ideas so that she can focus on her healing.

The thing is, she likes being super human. She likes being the one you need. But just because she likes it, doesn’t give you an invitation to use her.

If you have a Super person in your life, the best thing you can do is learn from them. Stop taking pieces of them. 

At the very least, don’t steal from the front register, while also ripping off the backroom.

Learn.

Grow.

Be something Super yourself.

Raise Me

The first thing I had written in years, which I wrote in 2018, was a post about seeing you. Seeing the hurt in you and recognizing it. Understanding you and being with you through those moments when life is heavy.

Fast forward two years, and low-and-behold people are doing that for me today.

They see my racing mind at 5:30 am and raise me a phone call at 5:35. To me, not from me. Because they also seem to see that although I need support, I am not the best at asking for it.

They see my tension, my anxiety, and raise me a gentle hand, or even just their presence until I can breathe again. They remind me that I am not crazy, and what I feel is real and normal.

They see my path, and raise me the gift of experience, of having been here before. They don’t tell me what to do, they guide me until I reach my own conclusions.

They see my self-doubt and raise me their reassurance and reminders of what is factual, and what is feeling. They give me the ability to trust in them until I can remember to trust in myself.

They see me.

Every time I think they won’t, or think they’ve had enough, they see that too.

Maybe I’m not too much.

Maybe I am just enough.

They see me, the me that no one else sees, and they raise me still.

Timing

Is it just me or to people tend to pop up right at that very moment that you need them to?
I have been feeling rather doom and gloom lately about the state or some friendships.  And just as I was thinking about how a current friendship really has me hurting, an old friend from the past randomly contacted me and made me laugh. Thus prompting me to write this here post.

So does everyone have a best friend?  Or is that just one of those hallmark things in life?  Does it really exist?

I must say I have been asking these questions for as long as I can remember.  And I am no closer now to the answers than I had been ten to fifteen years ago.

It has always been quite a difficult task for me to have a best friend.

My first recollections of such a thing are of a girl I met in day camp.  We were best friends for a few good years until other friends crept into the picture.  We tried a 3-4 way best friend fiasco, which turned out to be just that.  I just remember always feeling like someone was left out.  Or this one wasn’t talking to that one, or what have you.

Then one at a time two of the girls moved away, thus ending those friendships. At least for a time.

Then came high school.  All I can say about any of those “Best Friendships” is that boys, or clicks somehow always ended them.

After high school I became pretty close friends with my sister-in-law-to-be.  To this day I would say she was my best friend for a time at least.  But again, that relationship was pretty much contingent on her relationship with my brother.  So needless to say when they divorced our friendship went down the drain.

I would be remiss if I did not mention that for the last five plus years my wife has been my best friend.  Yes we do everything together, and we laugh and play and all of that, but it is not the same.

And now, as a grown adult I find myself missing that companionship, that someone that you know just gets you.

So, I will close with one of my very favorite quotes;

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

“I’m so glad I went to that haunted house!”

     And boy am I ever!  I saw merely a thumbnail sized picture of this woman and my heart fluttered.  Just when I was really beginning to wonder why I could not find another woman that interested me, this one came out of no where! 

     She was an icon on a friends MySpace comment section.  A picture so small I could barely make out the tongue ring, and cute little glasses!  I could just barely see that smile, but it was clear that she was B E A U T I F U L!  I had to figure out a way to meet her.

     Thank goodness for friends who look out for you!  The girls already had it in the works before I even asked who she was.  They invited me to a haunted house and when I showed up I asked who the girl BECK was on their MySpace page.  Just than, the phone rang and one of the girls went to open the door.

    In moments, that gorgeously intimidating woman walked into the apartment and sat on the couch!  WOW. 

     One month later and my bags are packed.  I was so scared of my feelings, because in a way, I don’t think I expected to fall in love with another person, let alone another woman again.  I was done. (refer to previous posts).  All of the sudden I found myself at home with nothing to wear, and I realised that all of my things were at her house. 

Our lives fit together.  We fit together. 

     The best part is; we are not a strain on each other.  We are a compliment to one another.  This is a woman who brings out the absolute best in me.  And she can handle the worst of me.  What else could I ask for?

   Have you ever stayed home on a Friday night with your girl and decided to clean the bathroom together?  Have you ever had a kick ass time doing said cleaning?  Well, I had not until her.  She makes me do crazy things.

Tonight will be the first night that I have not held her in my arms since we began dateing.  This will be a tough one.  I love you lover!

My Favorite Rochesterian is Back in the ROC!

Today:  Free Concert at Boulder Coffee

             Star gazing from atop the Planatarium after dark

             Perhaps watch the king shows this evening. (If AK is not too tired from her trip back to the States)

It’s kind of funny.  I have never really been that much of a planner.  Col always seemed to be the one coming up with ideas and things to do while we are together.  It was yet another thing that I had admired about her.  It made her so fun and exciting to be around.  Nonetheless, over the past few weeks, I have really gotten into the idea of finding new things to do.

I truly enjoy having an answer when asked; “Any ideas as to what to do today?”

Down Days

Maybe it is the weather. (Grey)

Maybe it is the change in diet. (Less Energy)

Perhaps it is the running…

I don’t know what it is, but I just feel down.  I was with friends last night, and at least three of them asked me why I was so quiet.  I don’t know why I am so quiet.  I’m observing.  Lately, I have just been going out to watch people.  To see if there is anyone that even remotely sparks my interest.  As of yet, no luck.  🙂

I feel lonely, I know that.  But that is normal, and not new.   I am surrounded by more people lately then I ever have been before.  (I am very grateful for that BTW).  However, some days I get home and I  want to sweet talk with someone.  Sometimes I just want the words “I love you” to slip from my lips.  To hear those words would warm my heart better still. 

To be honest, I think I am lacking human contact.  And I thrive on contact and touch.  Some people truley are recharged by the power of touch, and I am one of those people.

Back to the grind… 

Some People Will Change Our Lives Forever

I am still amazed at the ways my life has been affected by CMK. 

I just put in a bid on Elvis Costello and Bob Dylan Tickets, as they are coming to my town and I would like to see Costello.   I plan on taking the friend that has been joining me on my recent musical outings.  I will also be bringing my father and his girlfriend.  Funny thing is, I wouldnt have heard his music if it had not been for the hours CMK spent burning music for me one weekend.

It puts a smile on my face whenever I hear a song, or an artist that she turned me on to.  Because it is just a small symbol of what happened to my life when she entered it.

This is my time for exploration.  It is time for me to find the things that I am passionate about.  This the time in my life where I am spending so much time on the improvement of self, that I hope to have  little time to worry about what others are doing.

From time to time she still enters my mind.  But lately, she leaves it quickly as well.  That is progress.  I’m falling out of love, slowly.  I am slowly recognising that admiration is not in and of itself equal to love.

Plain and Simple

“Just because you love someone, doesn’t meen that they will love you back. ”

That saying is so simple, and yet it is the one thing that makes the most sence to me right now. 

I love her.  I always will, that is just the way I am.  I don’t love on a whim, and I never will.  The love I give someone will always be there, even after the romance is gone. 

But I do know that the relationship was unhealthy.  I know now that I should have left her the day she told me she was going to break up with me so that she wouldn’t hurt me anymore.  I should have left the day she wanted to see a hockey game more than me.  Or the day I realized she had come to see me three times, as opposed to my 30.  Or better yet, the night she told me that I didn’t have what it takes to quit smoking. (3 months with out a smoke by the way)

However, while I was in the relationship, I couldn’t see those things.  I didn’t really start to question our relationship until I realized that I was about to interview for a job to move closer to her, and yet I knew I wouldn’t take the job unless they gave me enough money to live on the opposite side of the river from her… didn’t make me feel good.

I put Col on a pedestol.  I believed she was someone whom indeed she is not.  I was just another girl.  She was my world.  That is quite a big difference. 

I do not hate her.  I never could.  I’m hurt by her lack of compassion right now, but I do not dislike her.  I’m still looking for her to be the woman that I fell in love with.  She stopped being that woman after week three of our relationship, so she will certainly not be that woman now.

I still believe she is a good person and all of that blah blah blah…. (read previose posts and you will know how highly I reguard my ex) But right now, I just need to gain strength to let go of my idealistic images of this woman. 

PS  Again, thank you to all of the wonderful people I have met in the past three weeks!  You are all amazing! 

I’m Sorry (Doesn’t seem quite good enough does it?)

AK:  I am sorry for not being at the right spot right now.

JB:  I am sorry for not being the friend you need right now.

AR:  I am so very sorry for meeting you at the wrong time in my life.

CK:  The only thing I can say I’m sorry to you for, is that this is so hard for me.

Okay,  so, I think that just about covers it.  I know that I can’t make up for being such a shitty person all at once.  But I am going to try my hardest. 

This isn’t the person I am inside.  This person people are seeing is a woman who is breaking each second of the day.  I know that is the worst excuse.  And because of that I plan to stay away from these people until I heal.  I love all of these people for being a part of my life, and the last thing I want is to show them this part of me.

I know I will heal.  I know this is just temporary pain.  I just hope the people I care for are still around whenever it is that my heart mends.

I’ll come back.  I always do. 

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