Choices

Today I needed to go to the grocery store again.

I needed to make Easter baskets, and fill eggs.

I couldn’t have done that today without the help of my ex. She came here after working all day to watch the boys so I could get out and get the necessities, and then hide in the grocery store parking lot filling 100 tiny Easter eggs for the boys.

When I got home she kept them busy while I put together the Baskets and hid those in the car as well. She’s down in the basement doing her laundry and playing dodgeball with them as I write this.

I was sitting here getting some last minute work done and all I could hear was our son laughing his biggest laughs, and giggling so loud it was traveling up two flights of stairs and through just as many doors.

At first my mind started to drift and think about how nice it was to hear that laugh. How grateful I am that she is still able to be here and help us when we need it, especially right now.

My second thought was that I have ruined my sons life. I thought, how could the choice I made for myself possibly be the right choice for my son when I haven’t heard that laugh, that specific laugh in so long? How could something that is so hard on my child be the right choice?

I don’t have those answers.

What I do know is that if we can continue to work together as parents, if we keep doing what is best for ourselves, that will have to be enough. Those choices will have to show him that mommies love him, and will always come together to do whatever it takes for him.

We are lucky. We are gifted with what we still have. Twelve years doesn’t just go up in smoke. It evolves. It morphed into a new normal.

One in which we are all still learning how to navigate.

Today I am reminded that I married my best friend. And while much has changed over the last year, that friendship seems to pull through the darkness and continue to be a foundation on which we are able to write this new chapter.

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