I wake up with a spiked paddle in my hand.
From the moment I get up off my knees I silently beat myself with that thing all day.
Yes, I know better. Doesn’t matter. The damn weapon has been attached to me for almost as long as I can remember.
Some days I am distracted long enough to whereas I forget to beat my own self down for a few hours. I can assure you I will pay for it at night, in the dark.
Not sure if there is much difference between this self flagellation and my many former vices.
I’ve put in some work over the last several months to allow myself to lesson the beatings, but they still come.
With all of the added silence that comes with this new isolation, I am finding myself having to constantly put the paddle down. Instead I reach for the phone, or a book, or busy myself with endless cleaning.
I try to remind myself to treat my own self kindly, to use positive words when I talk to and about myself. Sometimes this works, and other times I just tell myself to shut up.
Can we please open the world back up now?