What Bipolar Disorder Looks Like For Me

So, now that the cat is out of the bag on one of my secrets I can share more about it.

I have Bipolar Disorder.  I’ve known it since I was about 15 years old.  As the name suggests, it’s looked different over the years.  But it is always there.

I can go days, weeks, years in one spot: manic, depressive, or hypomanic. These are some things that are hard for people to understand.

This isn’t a choice, or lack of trying. This is a disease. This one is tough for a lot of people to grasp, including myself.  It’s hard, even after 18+ years, to constantly come to terms with my brain not quite working properly.

Just last week, I walked into my doctor’s office and asked with tears streaming down my face if he was sure that this is real.  Is this really the Bipolar, or am I just not trying hard enough or doing the right things to “get better” this time.

“This Time” meaning that I have been battling a state of depression and hypomania for about a year.  It came on after a relatively trying year when I wasn’t exactly taking time for myself and I was internalizing a lot of external stress.  I crashed and burned.

I know medication is taboo for some, but for me it is lifesaving.

I’ve gone years on a lot of meds, and years on as little as one medication. I have and will spend my whole life monitoring and changing medication as needed.  No it’s not fun.  It’s brutal at times.  However, I can’t yoga, meditate or pray my brain into working like yours.

Sure, those types of things work as coping mechanisms.  Yes, it is extremely important for me to take care of myself, know my triggers, and avoid extra stressors but there is no one cure-all for Bipolar Disorder.

Thankfully today is a pretty good day. Today I put one foot in front of the other.  For now, I will continue to write-it-out.  Some days are better than others.  Knowing these things is also key in not getting caught up in the gravity of it all from day-to-day.