So, I was just sitting here reading some of my old posts.
I must say that there are many details I have forgotten. I remember the moments, and the stories but, not the details.
The details hurt. Not because I still have those feelings. Not because I miss any of those things, times, or people. Simply because I can remember, like it was yesterday, the hurt that I felt.
I suppose many people would not understand why I think that is a GOOD thing.
Let me explain.
To me, it is a good thing because I will never be taken aback by those same “hurts” again. I will know them. I will I will see them coming from miles away.
I will now know a lie when it is being told to me. Whereas before, I just tried to believe what was being told to me until I knew otherwise.
I was just in a two year long relationship that I had thought was going to be forever. And yet, today, I have read back and realized that I always had my doubts. I really did.
I was so focused on getting to where I wanted to be in life, that I was ignoring all of the signs that told me that she was not the one that I wanted all of those things with.
Those are the details I ignored. I ignored the details that I wanted. I ignored the parts that scared me.
I ignored the parts in me that were screaming for me to run. I ignored them because I had truly began to believe that I could not have EVERYTHING that I want.
In our lives we are told that we will have to compromise. We do not!
As women, we are told today, that there are not people out there who want to take care of us. Now, before you freak out let me further explain.
By “take care of” I am not saying that we need someone to do something for us. I am not saying that we are not capable of taking care of ourselves.
I, of all people, know that I can take care of myself.
What I didn’t know, was that I could not take care of two grown women all on my own. I believed that because I was strong enough, and self sufficient enough to take care of myself, I could handle taking on the responsibility of caring for another human being solely on my own.
God was I wrong. I soon realized that I was empty. I was week. For the first time in a long time I was admittedly week.
I tried to hide it. I tried to tell myself that it was normal. That every relationship was this way. And yet, at the same time, I was wondering if there was a way that it didn’t have to be like this.
I began to believe that because I was a strong personality that it would always be me. It would always be me taking care of someone else. That I would always make the decisions, pay the bills, fix the house, and basically, lay down the law.
And somehow, someway, this did not sit well with me. I want to say that I tried very hard to ignore these feelings. I thought they were selfish feelings.
I often asked myself… “How dare you expect someone else to pick up the slack?”
I told myself… “This is what you are good at, not everyone is.”
Until, one day I asked myself… “Do you think you can do this forever?”
No. The answer was no.
At that moment I felt more week than I ever had before. I had spent two years telling myself, and everyone around me, that I was strong enough to do everything.
And, at that moment, I was admitting to myself that I was not strong enough. I was not powerful enough to go on with the life I was living. The life that I had tried so hard to have, to keep.
On top of it all. I was disappointing someone else as well. I believe somewhere on this blog I have mentioned that my greatest fear is disappointment.
All I know is that I realized that there must be another person out there just like me. Strong. Free. Powerful.
Someone who would not “squash” me. Someone who would respect me for who I am and not want to take any of that away from me.
I want someone who will see the sparkle in me and do whatever it takes to keep it there. Not take it away!
I believe that at the end of the day, life comes down to experiences, and confidence. Confidence in yourself, and confidence in the one you are with.
Those are the details that I had forgotten. Those are the details that I will never forget again.