I Don’t Dare…

Hello Again.  It has been quite some time again since I have posted. 

My heart so badly wants to go back through all of my old post to read about Colleen.  I want to read about all of the silly things we have done.  And I want to read her responses.  But I don’t dare go back right now.

Most of all, I wanted to someday begin to write like that again.   I kept hoping that things would change and get better again after the stress from our Jobs and School had subsided.  It didn’t matter how many people would tell me that I would just get hurt.  It didn’t matter.  It never has. 

I didn’t know how long it would take me to get sick of being hurt and mistreated, but I guess I did know that someday it would have to end.  I just know I couldn’t do it.  I love her, I know I wouldn’t be able to walk away from her for good.

I kept repeating, to everyone trying to console me this weekend, that this was what I wanted.  I kept saying that it was okay because inside I really wanted it to end for a while now.  But also, I kept asking.. “Than why does it hurt so bad?”

The truth is, this isn’t what I wanted.  I wanted Her.  I wanted things to work out.  She lit up my life for the short time she was in it.  And I keep wondering how in the world our relationship accomplished so much over such a short time.  I don’t have all of those answers.  But I do know that this is killing me. 

I try to remind myself that people don’t change.  If the things she did and said hurt me today they are still going to hurt me tomorrow.   I just kept hoping that she would finally want to change.  I really believed that if she felt unconditional love, she would want to stop hurting the women in her life.  I saw in her a woman that wants to be different.  It came down to the reality that it is just easier to continue to push people away than it is to change yourself. 

But although I know all of that, I was not ready to let her go.  I just got back from spending nearly two weeks with her, and my heart was breaking from having to leave her again in the middle of the night.  I had not even completely unpacked yet.

I know that I couldn’t have changed her.  You can’t change a person.  The thing is, I didn’t want her to change.  I love her for who she is, even the worst parts!  But I did want her to lean on me.  I wanted her to need me, and know it.  I wanted her to say she was sorry and mean it.  I wanted her to let someone finally love her, and let that love motivate her to change. (not sure how to word that) 

Right now the hardest part of this, is knowing the she is just going about her life as if I was never in it.  I’m not trying to be an ass.  I’m not saying I want her to be hurting as much as I am.  Because that sucks.  But it would be nice to know that she misses my touch too.  I’d like to know that when she see’s Nemo she is going to cry for a minute.  I just want to be missed.  I throught I was “missable”.  I know she is to me.  

It is for the best, I know.  This will do away, I hope.   But I’m still dreaming…

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