Even the People That You Envy Have Insecurities..

I went to visit my Girlfriend this past weekend again!  It was for the most part a wonderful visit. 

However, on Friday when I got there, shit hit the fan. (for the lack of a better way to say it)  I got back in the car with every intention of driving right back home.  I was exhausted, and the one person who is supposed to love me and care for me was being, well, less than desirable. 

I must confess, I had been worried this would happen for weeks now.  Every time I brought up these “rifts” we had, it seemed a bigger one resulted.  I knew something was amiss, and yet she continued to tell me that all was fine.

I envied her for being able to push away feelings so well.  I have never been able to do that.  I wished I did not care so much.  I kept thinking there was something wrong with me.  Why couldn’t I be as strong as her, as distant from her and she is from me?  I was jealous of her every accomplishment.  Her strength.  Her ability to brush off her knees and keep running astonishes me everyday.

Don’t get me wrong, I have seen in her, for quite some time now,  a sense of disappointment in  herself.   But most times, I just figured it was my over sensitive-empathetic-esp-bullshit-6th sense kicking in. (Don’t you like how Idescribe it?)  That was because, when I look at her, all I see are accomplishments.  All I see is a life lived so fully and freely.  (Okay, tear in my eye.)  Something I look back and wish, even at this point, that I had had the chance to do. 

Again,  don’t get me wrong.  Some people seem to think that I don’t realize I am still young.  I am fully aware of this fact.  However, I already did my partying.  I already went to college.  I already missed some of those things.  At times I love to just sit and listen to her tell me stories about her friends, and about the sports she has played.  I love hearing about all of the fun she had in college. 

So this woman in my life has got at all!  She has both sides!  She has been through way more than her fare share of the shit, but she has had a blast along the way.  And everyday, I know she must just think of some new thing she wants to be doing.  She blows my mind.  Who pulls a shot gun out of the closet while her girlfriend is naked in bed?  HOT!  The way she reaches above the bed to grab her water bottle give me butterflies!  Thank Goodness for the “little things.”

 I have never met anyone who interests me more.  I feel like I learn something new about her every single day.  She doubts herself and my jaw drops.  Why is it that mankind is so insecure about where they are and what they are doing; even when the rest of the world seem to be in awe of them? 

The whole point of this post, allthough it took way to long to say this, is that I am insanely jelouse of this woman in the best way possible, and think so damn highly of her, and yet she has doubt about her own self.  And at first glance, this woman looks like she has life by the balls and no one can take it from her!

Baby, I love you in every-way a person can love someone else.  Perhaps you don’t see your beauty and strength right at this moment, but you will!  Hey, If I let you beat me at darts will it help you feel better?  😉

Love Forver and Always,

Your Ping Pong!

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