Inside…

Good evening!  This has been a rough week.

Tuesday I was accused of cheating on the most important and beautiful woman in my life.  This hurt so bad because the last thing I ever want to even think about is being with anyone else.  But, a person needs friends.  I can’t be in the city all alone.  I will lose my mind if I don’t have contact with other people.   It is not possible for me to drive out to Yonkers every time I want to spend quality time with people.

Now, please don’t get me wrong.  Time spent with my girlfriend outweighs any amount of time I could possibly spend with any other person on this planet.  But in-between visits, I need to keep busy, bottom line.

As far as the title of this blog, I feel like I have so much inside of me right now that I may explode at any momont.  I am holding back so much.  I don’t like feeling like I am sitting here, so far away from the one woman in the world I want to hold, and I am doing nothing about it.

Nor do I want to feel like I will always have to be the one to bend.  One person can only bend so far until they break.  And, in a way, I feel as though I broke on Tuesday night.  I could never even think about calling Colleen a cheater.  Let alone cut her off all night just because I have some idea about people in the past fucking around on me. 

I think today, I feel like I am not loved.  Today I feel like I am not enough.  And yet, at the same time, I know I treat her, and love her the very best I can.  Better, and more than I have ever loved anyone.  I am ready and willing to give up everything I have here today to be with her.

This is not a fling folk.  We have all had flings.  I know how that feels.  But what I feel when she is holding me in her arms, is something I have not yet felt.  And I am not embarahsed or ashamed of that.  I am proud that she is the one person who has given this feeling to my heart. 

But again, right now, I just don’t feel loved.  She will be here tomorrow, and I am afraid that she is not even interested in seeing me.  I am afraid that she is more interested in the hockey game in Buffalo, and all of the people in Buffalo that she left behind.  I don’t know if I will ever mean enough to her.  Will I ever be enough? 

I know that the amount of love I have to give is enough to circle the world 50 times over, but is it enough for her?  Why doesn’t she seem excited to see me? 

Also, on a side note… I have done nothing to wrong her in anyway.  I have done nothing but give her more love than anyone could ask for.  I know that.  Do I not deserve the same?

Baby,  I want to see you.  I need to see you.  I need to feel you within inches of my face.  I need you to hold my face in your hands and tell me how much you have missed me.  I need you to tell me that you need to see me too.  I need you.

I LOVE YOU!