Good evening! This has been a rough week.
Tuesday I was accused of cheating on the most important and beautiful woman in my life. This hurt so bad because the last thing I ever want to even think about is being with anyone else. But, a person needs friends. I can’t be in the city all alone. I will lose my mind if I don’t have contact with other people. It is not possible for me to drive out to Yonkers every time I want to spend quality time with people.
Now, please don’t get me wrong. Time spent with my girlfriend outweighs any amount of time I could possibly spend with any other person on this planet. But in-between visits, I need to keep busy, bottom line.
As far as the title of this blog, I feel like I have so much inside of me right now that I may explode at any momont. I am holding back so much. I don’t like feeling like I am sitting here, so far away from the one woman in the world I want to hold, and I am doing nothing about it.
Nor do I want to feel like I will always have to be the one to bend. One person can only bend so far until they break. And, in a way, I feel as though I broke on Tuesday night. I could never even think about calling Colleen a cheater. Let alone cut her off all night just because I have some idea about people in the past fucking around on me.
I think today, I feel like I am not loved. Today I feel like I am not enough. And yet, at the same time, I know I treat her, and love her the very best I can. Better, and more than I have ever loved anyone. I am ready and willing to give up everything I have here today to be with her.
This is not a fling folk. We have all had flings. I know how that feels. But what I feel when she is holding me in her arms, is something I have not yet felt. And I am not embarahsed or ashamed of that. I am proud that she is the one person who has given this feeling to my heart.
But again, right now, I just don’t feel loved. She will be here tomorrow, and I am afraid that she is not even interested in seeing me. I am afraid that she is more interested in the hockey game in Buffalo, and all of the people in Buffalo that she left behind. I don’t know if I will ever mean enough to her. Will I ever be enough?
I know that the amount of love I have to give is enough to circle the world 50 times over, but is it enough for her? Why doesn’t she seem excited to see me?
Also, on a side note… I have done nothing to wrong her in anyway. I have done nothing but give her more love than anyone could ask for. I know that. Do I not deserve the same?
Baby, I want to see you. I need to see you. I need to feel you within inches of my face. I need you to hold my face in your hands and tell me how much you have missed me. I need you to tell me that you need to see me too. I need you.
I LOVE YOU!