Why does a visit to the past hurt so much?

Well,  today was a day that I have been dreading for quite some time.  I’ve known for a while that I needed to see the doctor, and today was the day.  I guess I was hoping to hear something new.  Something better.  But… no such luck.  Same old, Same old.

Do this, and hopefully this will happen.

Don’t do this and things will stay the same.

I don’t know, I just needed more than that today.  Of course I am willing to give anything a try at this point.  But why am I so reluctant? 

And the worst part of this was that I had to go to a new doctor, who has never seen me before.  And for that reason I had to go back through 7 years of hell so that this doctor could get my history.

History is just that; history!  And I just wish I could keep it that way.  Again, no such luck.  I am sitting here with every horrible memory from my past vividly playing back in my brain. 

I’ve let so many people down.  I was always supposed to be the chipper, smart, funny, athletic girl that every one knew me to be.  And yet time after time, I slip and fall, and show a weakness unlike any other.  I don’t want to be weak.  I need to be strong.  I need to be that woman who can take on anything.  And smile all the way through it.

Perhaps I will get there again.  I want to be the woman that people see in me.  I want to be that woman, and I want to know that woman again.

Good night all.

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